Communication Steps to Keep Your Personal Power

These 4 steps, if practiced to the point of being second-nature, will bring you to a whole new level of effectiveness in all your interpersonal relationships.

This article (Part 2) provides some practical application, but first, a review from Part 1 of "Personal Power: 4 Communication Steps to Get It and Keep It":

INFORM: In a neutral tone of voice, simply reflect back to the person what they are doing. "Do you realize that you are late?" "Do you realize that you are shouting?"

REQUEST: You make a simple, calm request for them to stop the behavior. "I ask that you be on time." "I request that you stop shouting."

INSIST: You insist that the person stop. (It would be unusual to get to this level. Most people respond to either step one or two.)

LEAVE: If the person still has not responded to your reasonable statements and requests, you may have to leave the room, or perhaps leave the relationship.

The really great thing about this communication model is that when you do step one Inform, you are giving the other person a graceful exit. Most people are well-meaning, and do not want to hurt or offend, and simply may not realize that1056 their behavior or statements have the effect they have. So, by you saying in a neutral Do you realize that (whatever), they have the opportunity to apologize, learn your boundary without being threatened, and move on to a healthy conversation and relationship.

REAL LIFE APPLICATION:
I once I saw these steps executed expertly by a friend and colleague of mine at work. We had a boss who was extremely disrespectful, and out of control, and who would launch into personal attacks on a whim.

One day, my friend demonstrated all four of these steps with amazing calm. When the boss raised his voice and began to shout, she simply said

Do you realize that you are yelling?.

She repeated this a few times before moving on to step two.

I ask you to stop yelling at me.

He kept on. She responded with something like

I must insist that you stop yelling at me or I will have to leave the room.

He didnt stop, and she left. He was baffled! Did it change his behavior? Unfortunately, in this case it did not. But, my friend kept her sense of self, pride, and her power. Plus, she earned the respect of every single person who was in that meeting. I will never forget it.

POTENTIAL REAL LIFE SCENARIO:
How about the friend who is habitually late when you agree to meet for lunch. You can start by saying

Do you realize that you are 20 minutes late?

If they continue in this habit, say

I ask that you not be late when we are scheduled to meet.

If this is still not enough to promote a behavior change, then the next time,

I insist that you meet me on time, or I will leave the restaurant.

Next time theyre late - leave. The friend will arrive late, and be surprised that you have actually followed through, and were able to articulate each of these phases of the model with such calm, unemotional, clear, self-respecting aplomb.

Beware! Our natural tendency is to skip over steps 1 and 2 and go right for 3 and 4 and by that time, we are usually not able to keep the neutral tone of voice.

OK, time to practice.

List the people in your life who are crossing your boundaries and write down a simple sentence to inform them. For example, Julie, do you realize that you are usually several minutes late for our lunch meeting? Or Bob, do you realize that you interrupt me frequently when I am speaking?

Dont make any requests at this point. This is new territory for both you and those in your life. You have allowed them to cross your boundary for a long time, so give them a few chances to get it.

Practice, practice, practice saying them in a neutral tone. As you get comfortable with these 4 steps, you will become the queen (or king!) of good communication and boundary-setting. You'll earn the respect of others, self-respect, and healthier relationships than ever before!

Visit LifeHouse Coaching and sign up to receive more f*r*e*e* weekly tips in "Blueprints for a Dream Life." Edi Sowers works with professional women who face the challenge of balancing personal and professional priorities.